I said No!

I Said No! A kid-to-kid guide to keeping private parts private

I read this book to the girls last night. They really didn't take it all that seriously.. Diana was goofing around, Toria was asking questions that didn't really pertain to the subject. Which made me realize.. this is something that is going to have to be an ongoing conversation. I can't just read a book to them one night and wash my hands of it.

The book did seem a little too young for Diana, and I think Victoria would have gotten more out of it had it just been her and I reading it. I liked how the book stopped and suggested "Why don't you talk about it now?".. to such things as being curious about the opposite sex, who the caregivers in your life are etc. It gave them the opportunity to ask questions and for me to evaluate if they were really understanding the subject matter.

It is definitely something you can use to start the conversation with your children, just be sure to continue the conversation.

~Suz

Good News

I setup a Google alert awhile back to fetch me information on Childhood Sexual Abuse. Every day I get a list of news items about people being charged with abuse, the lives destroyed,  the mess with the Catholic church etc. Today, I decided to just google Childhood sexual abuse in the news section and I came upon this: Protect Mass Children. This is an organization in Massachusetts that is sponsoring bills for tougher laws  protecting our children from predators. There are truly so many organizations out there trying to help protect our children from CSA. It brings so much joy to my heart. These organizations though need us. They need our support, and they need us to understand and realize how prevalent this abuse is, but together we can end it!

<3 Suz

The Numbers

I found another organization in NH that helps prevent and support children of CSA. ( Thank Debi! ).. I found this page - About Child Abuse - on the Child Advocacy Network of NH site.. the numbers are just heartbreaking.

There are 39 million people in the united states right now that are survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse.

That is 12.5% of the population.

.25% of the population have Cancer
8.3% have Diabetes
7% have Heart Disease
.13% have MS

Hmmmmmmm... and yet, we can prevent CSA much easier than we can prevent disease.

Let's nip this one in the bud people - join the Converation .. let's end CSA!

~Suz

Prevention

Adding to my theme from yesterday.. talking to our children.. I've been poking around on the darkness to light site this morning and decided to order a book to help me explain the issue to my girls. I found this book on Amazon ( as suggested by Darkness to light ) I Said No! a Kid to Kid guide to keeping your private parts private.  I encourage you to read the afterward of the book on Amazon. The author of the book's Son, at age 5 is at a sleep over and  his best friend engages him in inappropriate behavior. He said things like "All the cool kids are doing it" and "I'll give you 50 bucks". Her son tried to tell the mom of the best friend but she told him to go to bed. Who would have thought that we have to worry about a child's best friend?

I'll let you know what I think of the book once I've read it. Let's keep talking, and thank you for reading!

<3 Suz

1 in 4 Girls, 1 in 6 Boys...

Will experience some kind of unwanted sexual contact before the age of 18. I've repeated that figure so many times, that I think I'm numb to what it means. Yet, last night as I finished the Erin Merryn book "Stolen Innocence" I was starkly reminded. At the end of the book, there is a chapter written by her mother. Her mother too, had been sexually abused as a child.

What?!!

That was my reaction. I was shocked to say the least.  If the mother had a similar experience I would have thought she would have been more aware, would have known how to prevent, would have seen the signs. But she didn't .. which underscores yet again the secret, the shame, the misinformation and  that WE NEED TO START TALKING ABOUT THIS TO OUR CHILDREN!

I did get the chance to speak to my girls principal yesterday, and he is open to having a discussion with me. I sent him the education information that I found on the SASSNH website. I hope we get to speak soon about getting their programs into my girls's school. I talk to my girls about this all the time, I just pray I am saying the right things.. and I pray that other parents are doing the same.

~ Suz

Update on what I'm doing..

So, just an update at where I am in my research of CSA education in NH - more specifically at the school my girls attend. I called the Superintendent of schools, and his assistant referred me to the school principal. Called the memorial school, and he's at a conference so left my number. I have a feeling that there isn't a program currently at Sanborn/Memorial or else the assistants I talked to would have known that information. That is just my gut though. I've also been corresponding with the Director of Public Policy at NCAD ( NH coalition against domestic and sexual violence ), and hope to get involved with their organization in some way. Lastly, I reached out to Marie Sapienza a state rep for the Plaistow Area, and she said she would help sponsor a bill - all though it is too late to get anything in for 2012.  Oh.. and I have an outstanding email to the Newton Town Clerk to find out how I would go about getting permission to have a 5K in Newton - need to follow up on that...

All steps in the right direction!!!!

~Suz

It's not that simple

I was reading some more of Erin Merryn's book last night. I'm at a part of the book where it's been several years since she came out about the abuse, yet she is having horrible flashbacks and nightmares. It gets so bad for her, that she attempts suicide with a bottle of Tylenol - but realizes this isn't what she wants to do, and forces herself to regurgitate the pills. She is cutting herself to numb the pain, and feels there is no end to her misery. She confides in a friend and asks the friend not to tell anyone, but thankfully the friend does.  She is at the school counselor's office and her mother gets called in to meet her there - her mother says "Is this the Brian thing still? I thought you were doing so much better?".  Now, her mother has been so good through all of this but .. "Brian thing"? and "Still"?.  Those words hit hard. How belittling to what she is going through - underscores the extent of the harm that sexual abuse causes, and how little people realize.  I know that Joel has heard similar things. It's just not that simple!!! You don't just 'get over' this. This is TRAUMATIC.. and Erin as did Joel suffer post-traumatic stress disorder.  I imagine a solider at war, the horrible horrible things he must see and experience, the Trauma, and we are familiar with the post traumatic stress disorder that results.  as do those that are abused - the horror at such a young age! the disturbing events that we won't even talk about that they have endured and suffer with.  How can we possibly say "You aren't over that yet"? Seriously? It's just not that simple.

Let's break open the Silence!!!

~ Suz

Why?

Stop the Hurt: Why abusers abuse: "A 12-member jury said he was guilty."

When I first heard  Joel's story I was heartbroken, and then angry -  what kind of monster would do that? And as I found myself searching the internet for more information I was astounded at how often this happens. And then I thought.. why? Are there really that many monsters out there in the world? Is there that many evil horrible people? There must be if 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys experience some kind of unwanted sexual contact before the age of 18. Right?

I'm not sure..

I got the opportunity to speak with Jim Hopper, a Harvard professor of psychology, who is a consultant, therapist and researcher of CSA while I was training for my run for 1in6.  Exasperated I asked him.. why? What causes someone to do this? He said there really isn't one reason. The reasons and people who abuse are varied and complex. He has a really good write up on the 1in6 site here: Why do people sexually use or abuse children?  I encourage you to check it out, because as much as I'm sure we all wish we could pick out the abuser in a crowd, it's not that easy. It's nice to think and believe that there are these monsters out there and that the authorities will find them eventually, because hey, they are monsters - they'll be ferreted out, right?  Unfortunately, that is not the case. These are people you know, people you might even care about. They are deeply confused people who need help, redirection before they abuse!  I know this is going out on a limb, but in a previous post I wrote about how children are not taught about sexual abuse so that they have a voice and can know that it is wrong. In the same vein.. how does the abuser know that it is wrong? Think about it. You and I may know and have a violent reaction to that thought - how can someone not know?  Yet, not everyone has the same upbringing, the same system of beliefs. In the article posted above, the father thought that this was okay.

Which is why... we need to start this conversation, speak louder so the abuser can hear us. If just one person who is about to abuse has the reinforcement of the community's conversation about CSA, he may not abuse!

~ Suz

Seriously?

This is going to be an interesting post, so bare with me....


I started reading Erin Merryn's book Stolen Innocence last night and as I began the part of the story where she breaks her silence I thought of an interesting correlation between not wanting to say anything  and how a friend of mine hesitated to get a divorce. ( I know.. bare with me here! ).  Her abuser was a cousin, a cousin that lived very close by, a family that was extremely close. I can only imagine what her Aunt was going through when Erin broke her silence. Of course the Aunt first proclaimed her son's innocence ( any parent would! ), and I can only imagine how heartbreaking it was for the Aunt when she finally realized what her son had done to her niece - a niece that I would bet was more like a daughter given how close the two families were. Erin's mom.. can you imagine? A stay at home mom, the guilt she must have felt that this happened to her daughter on her watch. The anger the dad must have felt..


Yet, she talks about how some family members supported the cousin; An Uncle's rage at Erin's mother for doing this to the family. The grandparents proud of their football playing Grandson. The family starts to break. It appears almost that they have swept it under the rug, as if it never happened. Which is why, I can understand that a victim does not want to break the silence!


So what does this have to do with Divorce? Well, I remember a friend of mine wishing death to her husband so she wouldn't have to go through the divorce. She felt selfish for wanting happiness for herself and felt she should 'suck it up' for the happiness of everyone else. Death was the easy way out. This seems similar to the sexual abuse victim keeping the abuse a secret so as to not upset the people she loves; 'sucking it up' for the happiness of everyone else. It's almost as if the victim feels 'selfish' for bringing all this chaos into the lives of the people she loves. It's better for everyone if she keeps quiet. - as the unhappy wife would sacrifice her happiness so not to upset the applecart.


HOLY SHIT REALLY? So death to a spouse, and continued victimization of a child is 'easier' than finding happiness for yourself and ending the abuse? I mean really?  Think about it! Won't the spouse be much happier alive and divorced then dead? Won't the family be much better off accepting that there is an abuser in their midst and getting him help, then learning years later that he abused even more children? It's is amazing how twisted our minds can be!




( I won't even get into the victim thinking that they won't be believed )


Maybe I'm alone here.. because I know I've had to work very hard in the past few years to learn that my life is mine and just as no one gets to tell me how to live my life, I don't control the emotions and feelings of others. boundaries. ugh.. I'm working on that.


.. sorry.. sidetracked to me for a second...


We absolutely have to figure out how to teach our children that this is not okay. If Erin had said something after that first instance, she would not have had to go through 2 years of hell, see her close knit family disintegrate, saved her sister the same abuse.. AND .. the abuser would have hopefully gotten help. ( Can you imagine the guilt she has about her sister? ).


But she didn't


And it was because she didn't know how. She was shocked to say the least. She tried to pretend it never happened. And then when it happened again, and he told her that no one would believe her..


God Dammit the tears and the frustration I have at writing this - WE HAVE TO GIVE OUR CHILDREN A VOICE!!!! We have to break this cycle! We have to start talking about this and accepting that it happens and DO SOMETHING!!!


Erin is doing just that - she got a law past in her state of Illinois to mandate teaching to K-5th grade. Please help support her get this done nationwide and check out her site http://www.erinmerryn.net/. 


I promise you that I will find out what is being done in our ( Sanborn ) School system.. and keep you updated..


~Suz

*Update! Look what I found! So hoping they go into my girls school!
http://www.sassnh.org/education-programs/personal-body-safety-workshops.cfm

CSA Education

I've been wondering allot in the past year if and how sexual abuse is taught in our school systems. Recently, I learned about Erin Merryn http://www.erinmerryn.net/ via runforinnocence - she is trying to get CSA education mandated in our schools. My first thought was "OMG how can it not already be?".. and then realized again that this is an issue that so many people don't want to discuss, or have blinders on to. I emailed the Superintendent of our school system yesterday and am anxiously awaiting a response.  If I don't get one, I'll be sure to set up a meeting with him to discuss. This is too important. The more around and around I go with this issue in my head - we need to give our children a voice, they need to know that this is NOT OK.  I have told my girls again and again that if anyone tells them a secret is to be kept from mommy and daddy that, that means it is a BAD thing.. that no one touches them in their private places etc. But .. but.. God forbid.. what if it was a trusted family member? What are they supposed to do? How can they tell mommy or daddy if it is someone that mommy and daddy love dearly? Do they think mommy and daddy won't believe them?  I am not a psychologist, social worker or pediatrician - but there must be away that we can teach our children how to have a voice in a way that his healthy, noninflammatory and doesn't scare them. This is too important..

~Suz

Please share your thoughts!!!

Hi!

This is my site for organizing my thoughts and ideas on CSA - Childhood Sexual Abuse, and how to raise awareness of the issue through running. I've recently become a member of the Run For Innocence training team and am so excited! This past May I ran the Vermont City Marathon for 1in6 and raised $2000 and hopefully allot of awareness. This fall I'll be running the Baystate Marathon for runforinnocence.org. I hope to put together a Reach the Beach team for runforinnocence and a local 5K. I hope to hear from you all!

~Suz