It's not that simple

I was reading some more of Erin Merryn's book last night. I'm at a part of the book where it's been several years since she came out about the abuse, yet she is having horrible flashbacks and nightmares. It gets so bad for her, that she attempts suicide with a bottle of Tylenol - but realizes this isn't what she wants to do, and forces herself to regurgitate the pills. She is cutting herself to numb the pain, and feels there is no end to her misery. She confides in a friend and asks the friend not to tell anyone, but thankfully the friend does.  She is at the school counselor's office and her mother gets called in to meet her there - her mother says "Is this the Brian thing still? I thought you were doing so much better?".  Now, her mother has been so good through all of this but .. "Brian thing"? and "Still"?.  Those words hit hard. How belittling to what she is going through - underscores the extent of the harm that sexual abuse causes, and how little people realize.  I know that Joel has heard similar things. It's just not that simple!!! You don't just 'get over' this. This is TRAUMATIC.. and Erin as did Joel suffer post-traumatic stress disorder.  I imagine a solider at war, the horrible horrible things he must see and experience, the Trauma, and we are familiar with the post traumatic stress disorder that results.  as do those that are abused - the horror at such a young age! the disturbing events that we won't even talk about that they have endured and suffer with.  How can we possibly say "You aren't over that yet"? Seriously? It's just not that simple.

Let's break open the Silence!!!

~ Suz

Seriously?

This is going to be an interesting post, so bare with me....


I started reading Erin Merryn's book Stolen Innocence last night and as I began the part of the story where she breaks her silence I thought of an interesting correlation between not wanting to say anything  and how a friend of mine hesitated to get a divorce. ( I know.. bare with me here! ).  Her abuser was a cousin, a cousin that lived very close by, a family that was extremely close. I can only imagine what her Aunt was going through when Erin broke her silence. Of course the Aunt first proclaimed her son's innocence ( any parent would! ), and I can only imagine how heartbreaking it was for the Aunt when she finally realized what her son had done to her niece - a niece that I would bet was more like a daughter given how close the two families were. Erin's mom.. can you imagine? A stay at home mom, the guilt she must have felt that this happened to her daughter on her watch. The anger the dad must have felt..


Yet, she talks about how some family members supported the cousin; An Uncle's rage at Erin's mother for doing this to the family. The grandparents proud of their football playing Grandson. The family starts to break. It appears almost that they have swept it under the rug, as if it never happened. Which is why, I can understand that a victim does not want to break the silence!


So what does this have to do with Divorce? Well, I remember a friend of mine wishing death to her husband so she wouldn't have to go through the divorce. She felt selfish for wanting happiness for herself and felt she should 'suck it up' for the happiness of everyone else. Death was the easy way out. This seems similar to the sexual abuse victim keeping the abuse a secret so as to not upset the people she loves; 'sucking it up' for the happiness of everyone else. It's almost as if the victim feels 'selfish' for bringing all this chaos into the lives of the people she loves. It's better for everyone if she keeps quiet. - as the unhappy wife would sacrifice her happiness so not to upset the applecart.


HOLY SHIT REALLY? So death to a spouse, and continued victimization of a child is 'easier' than finding happiness for yourself and ending the abuse? I mean really?  Think about it! Won't the spouse be much happier alive and divorced then dead? Won't the family be much better off accepting that there is an abuser in their midst and getting him help, then learning years later that he abused even more children? It's is amazing how twisted our minds can be!




( I won't even get into the victim thinking that they won't be believed )


Maybe I'm alone here.. because I know I've had to work very hard in the past few years to learn that my life is mine and just as no one gets to tell me how to live my life, I don't control the emotions and feelings of others. boundaries. ugh.. I'm working on that.


.. sorry.. sidetracked to me for a second...


We absolutely have to figure out how to teach our children that this is not okay. If Erin had said something after that first instance, she would not have had to go through 2 years of hell, see her close knit family disintegrate, saved her sister the same abuse.. AND .. the abuser would have hopefully gotten help. ( Can you imagine the guilt she has about her sister? ).


But she didn't


And it was because she didn't know how. She was shocked to say the least. She tried to pretend it never happened. And then when it happened again, and he told her that no one would believe her..


God Dammit the tears and the frustration I have at writing this - WE HAVE TO GIVE OUR CHILDREN A VOICE!!!! We have to break this cycle! We have to start talking about this and accepting that it happens and DO SOMETHING!!!


Erin is doing just that - she got a law past in her state of Illinois to mandate teaching to K-5th grade. Please help support her get this done nationwide and check out her site http://www.erinmerryn.net/. 


I promise you that I will find out what is being done in our ( Sanborn ) School system.. and keep you updated..


~Suz

*Update! Look what I found! So hoping they go into my girls school!
http://www.sassnh.org/education-programs/personal-body-safety-workshops.cfm